Emil DeRosa

philm asked: Hey Emil: long time follower, first time Asker. Marry only one: Allison Brie, St. Vincent, or Chelsea Peretti? They all seem to give you equal boners. Thanks!

 I’m glad you asked, Phil. (I’m not. This hypothetical question is giving me a lot of anxiety.) This question is going to be near impossible for me to answer but I’ll give it the ol’ college try. (because we went to college together and stuff) Ok but seriously I’m going to try to answer this with the utmost sincerity.

All three of these give me very equal boners but I guess I’m going to have to distinguish what type of boner this is. I really wish you said marry, fuck, kill because now I have to choose one and only one to be with for the rest of knowing that I also could have either one of the other two. Hopefully, this won’t poison my marriage.

That being said, the infatuation with these girls all stem from a weird frustration that they possess qualities that I don’t think I’ve ever seen in real life girls. Nor will I ever see these qualities, at least any time soon, because I elect to spend my time idealizing girls that I will never know. It’s also important to point out that all of these assumptions I’ve made are probably hilariously off base considering the fact that I don’t actually know any of them. Since we’re speaking strictly marriage, I’m going to have to base this off of who I believe I could potentially love the most. Let’s get into it.

I think I’m going to have to eliminate one before I could even begin to pick one to marry. It pains me but I’m going to have to eliminate Alison Brie. This is no fault to Brie but the other two do something different for me. I think with Brie the boner is predominantly sex driven. There’s no doubt in my mind that she’s intelligent, funny, self aware, and talented. I love almost all of the things she’s done and I like that she has a music thing on the side. It’s just the fact that I’ve seen this, this, and even this. I’ve read and watched interviews where she discusses her sexual adventures in college. This shouldn’t be a problem, but I just can’t tell if I would be justifying her personality with her looks and sex appeal. The frustration with her comes from an extreme, unique sexuality and I’m not sure the lust would last.

The next decision is inexplicably difficult for me. I find both Annie Clark and Chelsea Peretti very attractive and I can’t imagine either of them are known specifically for their looks which I find very appealing. Both of them are so good at what they do. Additionally, both of their personalities (from what I can gather) kind of make me gush. Obviously this entire idea is ridiculous because I don’t know either of them but love is supposed to be ridiculous, right? I don’t know if I can come to a conclusion on this one but I’ll try.

I’m going to start with Chelsea. You’re catching me at a moment of weakness as I just finished the latest You Made It Weird where she makes her second appearance. I literally could not stop thinking (to the point where I almost texted you and told you) how I desperately want a girl to speak to me the way she speaks to Pete. I don’t know why it is but there is just something about her incessant teasing that made me think that’s how a woman should treat me. There is much more to it. She is fucking hilarious. Watching her bits live or on youtube is pretty amazing. Humor and self awareness are my two favorite qualities in a person and it seems like she’s pretty flush in those two attributes. I’ve listened to her podcast appearances and her outlook on life seems pretty fucking cool. I do get nervous about the fact that she is infinitely funnier than me. I’ve never dated a girl who’s funnier than me. I like making girls laugh. I like making people laugh. I think a lot of the frustration with her is just how goddamn good she is. She makes me jealous and she makes me want to be around that. I’m sure it would be glorious to be around her all the time and laughing my ass off, I just don’t know how long it would be before it started to irk me that she is so frustratingly funny. I think this may have helped my decision along.

Annie Clark. I think if I had to pick it’s going to be Annie. She’s insanely beautiful to an infuriating degree. From interviews and her lyrics she seems like she’s honest, smart, self aware, funny, aggressive, original, grateful, kind, and intense. She is immensely talented and eclectic. Watching her play is outstanding because she seems so fearless and brave. It’s wonderful watching her manipulate a guitar. I think it would be a joy to be around her. As much as I believe I would enjoy the teasing of Chelsea, I feel like Annie would have this strange, honest, and encouraging input while not being too serious. If her lyrics are any evidence, she has a beautiful way with words and she has an incredible talent for weaving things like humor and lasciviousness into honest expression. The frustration with Annie Clark is the one that is probably the deepest because it comes from more place than one. It’s not just her music; there is something about her that draws me in and it’s hard to explain. Also, this.

So I guess if I were to pick I would have to go with Annie Clark. To be honest, this is all quite embarrassing because I have thought way too hard about this. This is all speculation based on their various works, interviews, twitter feeds, and my overall impression. They are probably so out of touch because I couldn’t possibly begin to ever pretend that I know any of them one bit, but it sure is fun to try.